


Free me from the dark side of the moon

by Em_your_friendly_trashcan



Category: Dan/Phil, Phan
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Deppression, Fluff, Implied Smut, M/M, Mental Hospital, Phan - Freeform, Phan is real, Phil being an amazing boyfriend, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, a lot of fluff, phan is legit the most adorable thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-11-22 08:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Em_your_friendly_trashcan/pseuds/Em_your_friendly_trashcan
Summary: Dan has schizophrenia and also struggles with self harm. Phil tries his best to be the best boyfriend he can be. Dan gets put in the psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt and Phil stays with him. Basically just so much fluff and adorable Phan-ness.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SELF HARM/MENTAL HEALTH TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> DISCLAIMER- In no way do I claim that this is real and I respect Dan and Phil completely 
> 
> This is my first fic and I wrote it with my cousin so I cant take all the credit. :) Basically there is A LOT of fluff but also there is a pretty heavy theme of mental health so if that stuff upsets you please don't read.  
> I will try to update every week on Friday/Saturday! 
> 
> Also some of the details in this are not completely truthful, such as Phil being able to sleep with Dan when he is in hospital. Please no hate. Thanks!

The Phan apartment, about 5pm.

“Philllllllllll...I’m bored.” Dan whines.  
“Why, what do you want to do?” Phil replies without looking up from his laptop.  
“I dunno, can we make pancakes or something?”  
“Yeah sure, let’s go… Have you even eaten anything today?” Phil snaps his laptop shut and looks Dan hard in the eye.  
“Ummmmm… I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast?” Dan says guiltily.  
“Dan! That’s not good! It’s like, 5pm! Are you okay?!” Phil panics. His panic soon turns to suspicion. “Why haven’t you eaten?” He inquires.  
“Uh, I- calm down, chill. I’m fine. Slightly hungry, but yeah. And why do you think I haven’t eaten?” Dan answers, slightly flustered. Phil frowns and looks at him apprehensively.  
“Tumblr?”  
“Duh, what else.”  
“Okay, well, let’s get some food into you.” Phil grabs Dan’s laptop. “You’ve had enough Tumblr forone day.”  
“Phil! You can’t take away my laptop!” Dan answers exasperatedly while giving Phil his best puppy dog/baby seal eyes. Phil comes forward and kisses Dan’s forehead.  
“It’s not healthy, Bear. You need to move at least once every 12 hours.” Phil states matter-of-fact-ly. Dan pouts.  
“Ugh, fine.” Phil shoves Dan playfully.  
“C’mon. Let’s go make these pancakes.”

Phil drags Dan into the kitchen and sits him on the bench. Dan sulks while Phil potters around the kitchen getting the ingredients.  
“OH S**T!” Dan jumps off the bench only to realise it wasn’t the bench he had been sitting on but the stove (which Phil had absent-mindedly turned on to preheat before cooking the pancakes.) Phil jumps from behind the fridge door.  
“Dan! Oh god, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just accidentally sat on the stove, which was on.”  
“Oh. I think I turned it on without realising. I’m so sorry Bear.” he hugs Dan. “Just don’t sit on the stove next time, okay?” He kisses Dan on the tip of the nose and goes to turn away when Dan grabs him, spins him round and kisses him on the lips. Dan’s lips are rough from being dried out due to the winter weather and he runs his tongue along them before pulling away to make the pancakes.  
“But Philly…” Dan complains.  
“Later, Bear, okay? First we feed you.” Phil says as he pours the pancake mix into the pan. He’s just about to flip the first pancake when Dan’s arms encircle his waist from behind and he feels Dan rest his head on Phil’s shoulder.  
“Bear. That isn’t helping.” Phil says flatly.  
“But Baaabeeee.”  
“C’mon Dan. Pancakes first, cuddles later.” Phil turns around, pecks dan on the lips and puts his hands on Dan’s waist. “I can feel your stomach rumbling Bear. Come on. The pancakes are almost done. Just give them another minute.”  
“Fiineee.” Dan moans as Phil flips the last pancake onto the plate and hands it to Dan.  
“Here Bear. You eat this and then we cuddle. You need food.” He kisses Dan. “I don’t want my baby getting skinny.”  
They walk to the table and sit down. Phil watches as Dan tips practically the whole bottle of maple syrup on his pancakes. Phil gives Dan a disapproving look.  
“Bear…” Dan shoots Phil a look and Phil immediately goes silent. Dan starts scoffing down the pancakes and when Phil steals a small bite Dan gives him a look as if he ate a child and then finishes the pancakes.

They get up and Dan flops on the couch, pulls Phil on top of him and kisses him passionately. Phil sits up and puts his arms around Dan’s waist.  
“I love you Philly.”  
“I know Bear. I love you too.” Phil holds Dan’s wrists when Dan flinches in something that resembles pain. F**k, he knows. He saw me flinch. S**t Dan thought. Phil’s heart misses a beat. No, you’re just imagining things. It’s nothing.  
“Dan, you okay?” He asks. Dan kisses him on the nose.  
“I’m fine Philly. It’s nothing.” F***********k. I’m screwed.

"Danny, you sure?”  
“Don’t get your knickers in a knot. I’m fine. You need to chill out a bit.” Dan lightly laughs it off. Crap. Phil frowns.  
“Okay. If you wanna tell me anything you know you can okay?”  
“I know Philly. I know.” Dan kisses Phil. Something isn’t right, Phil thinks. He never flinches. I’ll probe him later, but he just needs me right now. He kisses Dan softly, and pecks him on the face and neck. I love him so, so much I don’t know what I’d do without him.  
______________________________________________________________________________________


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big trigger warning for self harm.  
> I do not claim this is real in any way and respect Dan and Phil entirely.  
> Next chapter will be up tomorrow... its a big one!

A few hours later in Dan’s room, about 1am. 

Dan lay awake staring at the ceiling, listening to Phil’s steady breathing. Thoughts race through his head at a thousand miles per hour and he is restless. Phil rolls over and moans in his sleep. Dan leans over and kisses him on the forehead.   
“Shhhh... it’s okay. We’re okay.” You’re okay. I’m alive… just.  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
Next morning, about 9:30am.

“Morning Bear.” Phil yawns, stretching. How should I bring this up?  
“Morning.” Dan replies from his couch crease.  
“Hey Dan?”  
“Yeah Philly?”  
“Are you okay?”  
“What?! Yeah, yeah, no I’m fine.” S**t. No, he’s not. He’s hiding something. I’ll leave it for now, but I’m getting to the bottom of this before today is out. He kisses Dan on the cheek.  
“Good. I’ll always be here for you Bear. I hope you know that.” He knows. I just hope it’s not his old habits coming back. Dan sighs.   
“Yeah, I know Philly. I know…” Well, not much point hiding it now, but still… Phil pauses, then speaks.  
“Ok Dan. I’m not normally this blunt with you, and I don’t like being blunt with you, but I know something is up. What’s on your mind Bear? Spill.” Dan’s eyes widen then tear up.   
“Phil, I- I-” he turns his head away, tears streaming down his face. Phil hugs Dan.  
“C’mon Bear. What’s wrong? I’m always here for you. You can tell me anything.” Phil whispers in Dan’s ear. Dan sobs quietly into Phil’s shoulder. Phil is worried. He wraps his arms around Dan and rocks him back and forth. Dan has never been full of sunshine but Phil has never seen him so sad and helpless before. He kisses the brown-haired boy on the back of his head, breathing in Dan’s scent, and almost sobs with the amount of love he has for him. Phil loves Dan with all of his heart and can’t fathom how someone so, so perfect could hate themselves and be so blind to their own beauty.   
“Bear? C’mon love, what’s up? You could never shock me Dan. There is nothing, nothing you could ever do to lose my love.”  
“I don’t deserve this.” Dan whispers.  
“Yes, you do baby. You deserve this and so much more.” Phil pulls him into a kiss but Dan pulls away.  
“I- no. Phil, I don’t deserve this or you! I don’t deserve any of it…” He replies, voice rising and then tapering off. I don’t deserve to live. Dan runs into the bathroom and locks the door.

“DAN! BEAR!” Phil cries, banging on the bathroom door. Eventually he gives up and slides to the ground, back to the door, head in hands, crying.  
“Bear. Don’t do this. Please.” Phil whispers. How could he have not noticed this before? How could he have not noticed that Dan’s old habits had come back? Technically, he had noticed them and had thought - no, hoped - that he was just imagining it. That it wasn’t true.

Dan opens the bathroom draw, frantically looking for the small pack of hobby knives he kept in the back. He pulls one out, hands shaking and thumps to the ground. He pulls up his sleeve and unsteadily draws the blade across his wrist. Just another line to join the others. To mark another day of living a life he doesn’t deserve. He watches the blood trickle down his arm and reach his shirt where it bleeds out into a small, pale ombre of reddy-pink.

Phil pushes himself up and walks to the kitchen to get a pin to unlock the bathroom door. He frantically unlocks the door and opens it to find Dan, his Bear, in tears, his head in his hands, a hobby knife blade beside him and a ribbon of blood winding its way around his wrist. Without a word Phil picks up the blade and puts it in his pocket. He’ll throw it out later, or destroy it. He sits and puts his arms around his boyfriend, drying his wrist and kissing his hair until he has calmed down.  
“Bear, we won’t go deeply into this now but I’ve got to tell you that this has got to stop. I don’t want you going back to hospital, but we have to get help from someone.” Phil says gently but sternly.  
“I don’t wanna talk to a shrink* again.” Dan whispers.  
“Sorry Bear, you’ve got to. Now let me see your wrists.”  
“No!” Dan yelled half-heartedly with a look of fear in his eyes.  
“Bear, you don’t have a choice babe.” Dan knows as sweet as Phil is, he won’t let this go. He turns his head away and rolls up his sleeves. His heart finally breaks into a million pieces when he hears Phil’s small gasp and Dan tries and fails to hold in a sob.  
*Shrink is a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist.

Phil’s eyes tear up as he takes in Dan’s arms. His old scars are small white lines scratched up and down his arms. There are around 20 fresh cuts on each of his arms, presumably done over the last few weeks. Phil kisses each new scar but inside he senses that Dan has done more than this. He gently rolls up Dan’s shirt. Dozens of lines litter his stomach as well as the words FAT, GAY and LOSER that had been cut into the brown haired boy’s flesh. Phil kisses them and wraps his arms around Dan.

Dan is blazing with shame as Phil kisses him on the forehead.  
“Now Bear, what are we gonna do about this?” Phil asks gently. Dan sobs.  
“I- Phil- I’m so sorry I’m doing this to you… It’s all my fault, I-...”  
“Hey, hey, hey. Don’t talk like that. I should have noticed the signs earlier. Now, we have to do something about this, okay Bear?”  
“I don’t wanna see a shrink. All they do is prod and pull at your mind, make it worse.”  
“Bear, we have to do something, anything about it, even if you don’t want to… okay? Even talking to someone online, would that help? Or you could talk to me?”  
“I- I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.” Dan sobs quietly.  
“Bear…” Phil strokes Dan’s hair.  
“I think we should talk to a therapist Danny. You’ve been feeling sad for a long time and I don’t want to be worried about hurting yourself… or worse… without me being here. Maybe they could even get you medication? I think it would be a great idea, Bear. I’ll come with you. Okay?” Dan doesn’t respond.   
“C’mon love. Let’s get you healing.” Phil murmurs. Dan sighs and kisses Phil.  
“Fine.” Dan mutters.   
Phil helps Dan up and takes him into the kitchen to clean up his wrist. Phil wipes the cut with an alcohol wipe and Dan flinches.  
“Oh Bear, I’m sorry.” Phil says. Dan just shakes his head and looks away as Phil puts a bandaid on the cut and picks up his phone to book an appointment with Dan’s old psychologist. About 5 minutes later Phil gets off the phone.  
“Okay, I’ve booked an appointment for tomorrow. Okay?” Phil says and kisses Dan on the forehead. “I love you so, so much Bear. You know that right? I’ll always, always, be here for you.” A tear slides down Dan’s face and he gives an almost indistinguishable nod.  
“Come on Bear.” Phil puts his arm around Dan’s waist and walks him out to the lounge where they sit and cuddle while Dan cries silently.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter!  
> Suicide and self harm trigger warning
> 
> I will put up the next chapter today or tomorrow! :)

Phil kisses the brown-haired boy’s head and whispers words of affection to Dan. Thoughts race through Dan’s head as he cries into Phil’s shirt. I should do it tonight. Get it over with. But Phil couldn’t live without him...No. He can. He’ll get over it- me. I’m nothing. Tonight. Dan takes a shuddering breath.  
“Bear? You okay?” Phil asks quietly.  
“I don’t know.” Dan murmurs.  
“I know. I know. We’ll get through this baby. We’ll get through.”

Dan and Phil spent the next hour like they had spent many. Phil was holding Dan and Dan was crying. Phil swore he saw something in Dan’s eyes that scared him. A sort of self-destruction look that Phil had never seen and it frightened him. It flickered in the brown-haired boy’s eyes for a second and was gone.  
“Bear?”  
“Yeah?” Dan replied croakily.  
“You can’t see it now, but you are the most gorgeous, funny and amazing person I have ever met. You mean everything to me babe. You know that don’t you?” Phil asks, worried. Dan feels numb. He doesn’t believe a word of what Phil is saying. He replies with a half-hearted, “Yeah, I know.” He stands up and stretches his legs. I’d better do it now, save them both the waste of space. He almost cries at the thought of saying goodbye to Phil but hates himself too much, convinced Phil is lying. He bends down and gives Phil one last passionate kiss, their tongues meeting and roaming each-others mouths and then Dan pulls away.   
“I gotta pee. I love you so much Philly. So much. And thank you for everything you’ve done today. And ever.” Dan says quietly. His last words. He walks into the bathroom and locks the door.

Phil doesn’t hear the toilet seat get put up . And Phil starts to worry…

Dan locks the bathroom door and barges it with a random box of magazines that was in their bathroom. It won't hold Phil long, but enough for me to bleed out. He grabs the pack of blades from the back of the cupboard and sits in the bath and puts the water on lightly enough so phil wouldn’t be able to hear it running. He pulls out a blade, jabs it into his wrist and draws it across horizontally. He wanted this to end but he still had a pinprick of hope that Phil actually might love him enough, which was why he didn't draw it the length of his arm. He watched the blood pool out into the warm water and cloud through the water. It was almost hypnotic, watching his dreaded life source trickle out of his wrist just as he blacked out.

 

Phil is extremely worried and runs to the bathroom. “Dan? DAN? DAN! BEAR! BEAR! Phil roars and orders Siri to call 999. He grabs a chair and bashes the bathroom door open only to see his boyfriend in the bath, unconscious, in all his clothes with a slit in his right wrist that was bleeding very quickly. “Why? Danny?” he pulls Dan from the bath and pulls off his shirt to stop the blood from running out completely. Just then the lady on the phone picked up.

Phil was holding Dan and stroking his head whilst simultaneously binding his arm to stop it bleeding and trying to stop crying long enough to talk to the emergency lady.  
“Um, Hi, omigosh, I need help right now, I need an ambulance, my boyfriend,”Phil sobs, “My boyfriend, he tried to kill himself and he's bleeding a lot and we need help right now can you help us, please?!” Phil’s panicked voice echoed off the walls as he told the ambulance lady their address.  
“Don't worry love and ambulance is less than 2 minutes away and everything is going to be ok. Is he still breathing?” replies the lady on the phone. Phil checks Dan’s chest and is relieved to see that it is still rising and falling, slowly and shakily, but breathing nonetheless. He tells this to the 999 lady, stroking Dan’s forehead and checking to see how his arm was doing. There was a lot of blood, on Phil, Phil’s hands, on Dan, but the blood flow seemed to have slowed a lot because of the bandage Phil had tied messily around Dan's wound.  
Phil hears the ambulance crew knocking at his door, and what feels like hours later Phil finds himself in the back of an ambulance, holding Dan, crying, and speeding to the Manchester A and E.


	4. Chapter 4

Manchester Hospital Emergency Wing, about 9:30pm  
Dan opens his eyes to see a blurry, pristine white roof. "Is this hell?" he mumbles. I thought it'd be a bit hotter. Suddenly Phil’s face appeared and hovered above him. Oh, now that's hot. Wait.  
“Philly?”  
Dan was now fully awake and took in his surrounding. He was in the hospital. And his heart dropped to the floor. It wasn't over. But- But Phil- Phil loved him. He could just believe it as Phil bent down and carefully kissed Dan's lips. “Bear, don't you ever, EVER do that again. Okay?” Phil said with tears running down his face.   
“I'm so sorry Philly,” Now Dan was crying for so many reasons, “I'm so, so, so sorry. I won't do it again. I love you so much.” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and cried.   
“I love you too Bear. I love you too.”

A few minutes later and Dan and Phil’s embrace is still going. Both of their tears swirl together and Phil can’t tell whether his face is wet with Dan’s tears or his own.   
“Bear, baby, you scared me so much. I need you to promise that you will never, ever do that again.” Phil says sternly.  
“I promise Philly. I- I thought you didn’t love me but you saved me and-”  
“Dan! I love you so much! So f****** much!” It comes out sharper than Phil intended it to.  
“Philly! You swore!” Dan says with surprise. Phil is silent with a guilty look on his face.  
“I know babe. I love you too.” Dan pulls Phil toward him and kisses him passionately.  
Phil pulls away from his boyfriend, Dan’s bottom lip still caught between his teeth and Dan moans.   
“I love you, Little Lion.”  
Phil pecks him on the lips and straightens up, much to Dan’s protest, and Phil turns as Dan’s doctor walks into the room.  
“Mr Howell, awake I see! That is a good sign!” He seats himself next to Dan’s bed and continues  
"We have a serious subject to address today I’m afraid."He glances up at Phil, “You are..?”  
“Oh! Um Phil, uh, his boyfriend.” Phil was hesitant to reveal his and Dan’s relationship, cautious of homophobia. Dan recognised Phil’s fear and clasped Phil’s hand in his. They had no need to be worried.  
“Ahh, lovely! I am Connor Palmer and I will be your doctor for the next few days. Now. Dan, your health seems fine, and we would let you go in a few days, however it has come to my attention that you are in here for a... suicide attempt?” Dan pulls the hospital sheet over his head and Phil squeezes his hand, feeling the fear radiating from the brown haired boy.  
“Now, what are we are proposing is a short term shift in a psychiatric ward to address your depression, Dan.” Connor says. Dan and Phil glanced at each other, Dan’s eyes spelling the words ‘NO, NO, NO, NO, NO’ and Phil’s eyes saying ‘YES, BEAR. YES, YES, YES.’ Phil turns to Dr Palmer and opens his mouth.  
"I think that would be a good idea. It's only for a week or two Bear, right?" Phil addressed Dr Palmer. Connor smiles genuinely at the nickname and confirms Phil's question.   
"Yes, it's only be about a week, maybe two depending on Dan here's condition." Connor looked at Dan with reassurance in his eyes, "Would that be okay?"  
Dan looked at Phil, the fear and reluctance clear in his eyes.   
"Bear? I think it's for the best." Phil squeezed Dan's hand and looked in his eyes. Dan lets out a shaky breath.   
"Okay... but no longer than two weeks. After that I wanna go home." Dr Palmer looks from Dan to Phil.   
"Okay. I'll see what I can do." He smiles at the couple and walks out of the room. A few seconds later Dan bursts into tears.  
"I don' wanna go there Phil. I don' like it there and- and..."   
"Hey, shhhhh, it'll be okay Bear. Everything's gonna be okay." Phil strokes Dan's hair and kisses him on the forehead. "I'll be with you every step of the way."

It was approaching midnight as Dan fell asleep. Phil had been consoling him for hours, he had gotten into bed beside Dan and cuddled and kissed him and wiped away his tears every time he wept. Phil had hugged him until he saw his breathing even out and his eyes close. As soon as Dan was asleep, he got out of bed, tucked the sheets to his chin, and pecked him on the forehead.   
“I love you Bear.” Phil shuddered at the sight of the bandage on Dan’s wrist and, with one more glance at his boyfriend, walked out the door.

 

Phil found himself weaving his way through the maze of corridors and wards until he orientated himself enough to ask for directions. Exactly 3 and a half minutes later Phil found the office of Dr Connor Palmer. He knocked twice, and let himself in.  
Dr Palmer looks up from his papers. "Oh! Mr Lester! What can I do for you?”  
“Uh, I was wondering if I could talk to you about Dan, I didn't really want to bring it up in front of him but this depression stuff really freaks him out so-”  
“Calm yourself, Mr Lester. I had a hunch that Dan's condition was worse then he made out. If it is a plan you are looking for, then here it is; We will transfer Daniel to the psychiatric wing of the hospital in three days time, once his arm is on its way to healing and nothing is infected. If Dan cuts or proves to be a risk to himself while in recovery, it will extend his time in both the hospital itself and the psychiatric ward. If not, we are looking at a 2 and a half week stay if he shows improvement in response to both therapy, diagnosis and medication, but if his condition worsens or doesn't change, or if he proves to be a risk to others or himself, than his stay will be extended. I warn you Mr Lester, if Dan's depression is as bad as it seems it is, he may need to have routine hospital stays. It is a risk, and a big one. I doubt this will be his first and last time. That's how our treatment is most effective."  
“Thank you.” Phil chokes out as he turns to leave.  
“Phil?” Connor asks and Phil spins round to face him. "We will provide a bed for you to stay with Dan." Phil nods ever so slightly and the walks out the door.  
Connor smiles sadly to himself as he watches the blue-eyed boy walk away, hands in his pockets. Those blue eyes. His daughter had had those same blue eyes. His daughter that cancer had so cruelly taken her life not two years earlier at the age of ten.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil stared at the ceiling, thinking. It was about 2 am. Dan wouldn't be happy about the hospital arrangements. He hated the place with a passion. It was the only place he hated worse than his life. A quiet sob rose out of Phil’s chest. How could he have been so oblivious to the one person that he loved more than anything in the world? A small part of him hated himself for that but he tamped down that thought as that was why he and Dan were in this situation in the first place, not that he blamed it on Dan for one second. Silent tears streamed down his face when-   
“Philly?” Dan’s voice croaked.  
“Yeah?” Phil choked out.  
“I love you so so much, you know that right? And I don’t want you to blame yourself for any, ANY, of this okay?” Dan said quietly.  
“I know Bear, I know, I just-” his words broke off into a sob and Dan put down the bed rails, rolled over and wrapped his arms around Phil and let him cry into his shirt. After Phil had finished crying Dan pulled his boyfriend up and placed his lips on Phil’s, tasting the salt from Phil’s tears, mixing with the sweet taste of the lollipop Phil had had earlier. They eventually pulled apart, gasping for air.   
“I love you Bear.” Phil murmured onto Dan’s lips.  
“I love you too. I love you too…” Dan said just as he fell asleep.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
The next morning.

Dr Connor Palmer walked down the hall onto his next patient. Daniel Howell - Room 11, the suicide attempt.  
He got to the door and lightly knocked, not wanting to wake the couple if they were asleep.  
“Come in, if you don’t mind us cuddled up together.” said the sleepy voice of Connor’s patient.  
“Not at all, I think it’s wonderful you two aren’t afraid to express your feelings in public. It’s incredibly brave.” Connor said walking in to see the pair squished into a single bed so as not to let Phil fall down the gap of the two beds. It brought a smile to his face.  
“I’m just going to do a general check up today, if that’s okay?”  
“Yeah, that’s fine.” Dan replied flashing him a small smile. Phil squeezed out of bed with Dan and sat beside him as Dr Palmer took blood tests and samples. Halfway through the changing of Dan’s bandage, the doctor spoke.  
“Now, Mr Howell, we will keep you here for another two days and we will then transfer you to the Manchester Hospital Psychiatric Wing for a minimum of ten days, foll-”  
Dan sits up suddenly, almost ripping his arm off in the process, and sending Phil into a panic.  
“Christ, Dan! Your arm is-”  
“TEN DAYS?! MINIMUM?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? I-”  
“Bear, please. It'll be ok. As long as you get better, ten days is all you'll need. Please Bear. Do it for us. Please.” Phil’s words tapered off into a begging whisper.  
Dan’s breathing was shallow and he was visibly apprehensive, but he lay back and let the doctor continue.  
“Phil is right. If you are not posing a threat to yourself, then ten days is all you need.”   
Dr Palmer finishes wrapping Dan’s arm and runs him through almost everything that he told Phil the night before. Dan wanted to run, he wanted to end it, but another suicide attempt would either put him in the crazy ward for months, or if he actually managed to destroy himself, he would have to leave Phil. And Phil couldn't bear that. Phil leans over and kisses Dan when Dr Palmer has left.  
“You're being so brave Bear. So brave.” Phil murmurs. Phil lies back on top of Dan, their lips locking into a passionate kiss.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Two days later in Manchester Hospital Psychiatric Wing, about 10am.

Dan clutches onto Phil like his life depends on it. A young girl that looks in her twenties walks up to them and smiles reassuringly.   
“Hi, You must be Dan Howell, and Phil, is it? I’m Adeline Wilkinson and I’ll be your nurse for the next few days. If you’ll follow me I’ll take you to your room.”  
Dan studies her as they follow her down the corridor. She has long dark brown waves that are pulled into a neat bun, hazel eyes much like his own and a kind, caring look to her.   
“Bear? You alright?” Phil asks with concern in his eyes.   
“I think so.”  
She leads them to a average size room overlooking the city. It had a king single bed, a desk and chair, a large squishy lounge chair and the usual hospital bathroom and cupboards.   
“You’ll be staying here for the next few days. Is this okay?” Dan nods and dumps his bag at the end of the bed.  
“I’ll leave you two to get settled and I’ll come back to check on you later.” she smiles and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her. Dan thumps onto the bed.  
“Will you be okay here overnight? I’ve gotta go home tonight because they say it’s protocol, and I forgot to lock the house. Is that okay? I’ll be back first thing in the morning.” Phil says quietly. Dan sighs and nods his head.  
“C’mon Bear… It’s okay…” Phil says softly, coming over and sitting next to Dan. Dan just shrugs and shakes his head, visibly trying not to cry.   
“Hey, shhhhh, you can let it out, it’s okay.” Dan bursts into sobs and cries into Phil’s shirt while Phil strokes Dan’s hair and murmurs words of affection and comfort to his boyfriend. A few minutes later the boys had made their way to the hospital bed, Dan in Phil’s arms, Phil’s legs clamped protectively around his boyfriend’s. Dan sighs shakily and turns to look into the older boys eyes. He lets Phils warmth bleed into his body, and he drowns himself in his blue green eyes.  
“Philly?”  
“Bear?”  
“You will come back won’t you?” Dan could feel his insecurity creeping up on him again, poisoning his mind, telling him he wasn’t worth coming back for.  
“Bear, baby, of course!”  
Phils shock was evident in his voice, and the feel of Phil tightening his grip on the younger boys hand was enough to make Dans insecurities shrink away.  
“I’ll go home baby, at around 8, after I’ve made sure you’re all settled, and I’ll upload a pre recorded video to the gaming channel and AmazingPhil, shoot a video maybe, water the plants, clean up a bit, feed the fish, get some rest, lock up, and I promise I’ll be back here as soon as possible. I’ll be the first thing you see when you wake up, Angel Bean. I promise.”  
Phil tightened his grip around Dan. He kissed all over the younger boy’s face, running his hands through his chocolate curls, biting down on his bottom lip and healing the sting with his tongue. He hears Dan moan, the fear almost gone from his voice, and Phil grips Dans face in his hands, holding him like he could never bear to let go.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
“I love you, Bear. I love you so Goddamn much.”  
Dan looks into Phil’s bottomless ocean eyes, his heart beating like the day of their first kiss. He locks eyes with his boyfriend, almost passing out from his beauty.  
“I know, Little Lion. I love you too. So, so, so much.  
Phil pecks Dan on the forehead and sits up, somehow having found himself on top of the younger boy. Dan protests bitterly, but Phil ignores his pleas and walks over to the table, grabbing Dan’s therapy timetable off it.   
“I'll cuddle in a bit baby, but we need to get you settled.” Phil scans the timetable and found the current date. Under Dan’s name and the date there were three times. One was Meet therapist, the next was Meet psychiatrist and the final appointment was First psychiatric evaluation. Phil bit his lip and showed the timetable to Dan, who whimpered at the fact that he would be meeting his therapist in less than two hours. Phils heart melted when he saw his boyfriends fear, and lay down beside him stroking his hair. “  
“It’ll be okay Bear, I promise. I’ll be with you all day.” Dan nodded, still afraid but calming with Phil’s touch. He feels a burst of passion for the older boy and rolls onto Phil suddenly, and collides their lips. Phil melts into the kiss and rubs Dans lower back. His hands work lower and he stops for a second, asking Dan through his actions whether he feels up to this. Dan squeezes his hands in response, and his hands lift Phil's shirt.  
____________________________________________  
It is 11 am.  
Dan lay in his boyfriend's arms, feeling his mind work at a million miles an hour. Phil kisses his forehead, recognising Dan’s nerves at meeting his therapist. Phil rises to retrieve his shirt and jeans, dresses, and picks out a handful of black for Dan to wear, as well as his oversize York hoodie. Dan appreciates the gesture, dressing and feeling he is as ready as he will ever be with Phil's kiss.  
12am - Dan’s first time meeting his therapist.

Two young men walk down the shiny white hospital corridor of Manchesters Psychiatric ward. The older boy has black hair swept to the right and the younger is slightly taller, with brown hair and eyes. The average person would not notice this as something particularly unusual, nor would they notice that the boy's hands were linked under their coats. And only a select few would see the fear and shame burning in those brown eyes. Only a few would notice how hard Phil Lester was clutching his boyfriend's hand, to try and comfort him, to contact him in his place of fear. And none would notice just how hard Dan was squeezing his hand back.  
Phil seated himself on the squishy couch inside Dans’ therapist's office and squeezed his boyfriend's hand. Dans face was blank as he seated himself but his eyes were guarded and he was clutching Phil’s hand so tightly his fingers were about to lose blood supply. There was a young man seated opposite them, short, with blond hair and shaved sides. His green eyes swept over the two boys and it was only then that Phil realised he must have been quite a bit older than them, maybe mid/late thirties.  
“Afternoon boys! Now, you must be Dan and Phil?”  
The therapists beaming smile and northern accent made both boys calm down. For Phil it was a flood of relief, relief at the fact that his boyfriend would most likely get along with this guy, that he would be treated well. For Dan it was only a trickle of relief, anxiety still choking him. Phil noticed Dan’s reluctance to speak, so he took control and spoke for both of them.  
“Hiya, I’m Phil and this is Dan.”  
Phil gestured to the brown haired boy beside him and Dan gave a grunt that may or may not have been a hello.  
“Well, Hi Dan, I’m Levi, and I’ll be your therapist from now on.”   
Dan looks up at Levi, clutching Phil's hand even tighter (if that was possible) and mustering all of his courage to speak.  
“So, how does this thing go now?”  
_____________________________________________  
About 30 minutes later  
Dan sits trembling in Levi’s office. Phil is trying hard to keep his tears from spilling over from hearing Dan talk about his depression properly and in detail. Dan decided to be truthful and tell Levi everything. Dan does want to get better with all of his heart, but he didn't realise the amount of effort it would take on his behalf. Even telling Levi of his pain, his struggle, his self hatred had been hard. Having Phil, his beautiful boyfriend, sitting next to him and holding in his tears, made it even harder. But, Dan thought, it made it even more worth it.  
_____________________________________________  
30 minutes later Dan had finished his first therapy appointment at the hospital. Levi had told Dan that he would talk to his psychiatrist and give her the lowdown so Dan wouldn't have to repeat too much. Phil gripping his hand brought him back down to earth and he found himself walking back to his room.   
“You OK Bear? You kinda zoned out a little there.”  
“Yeah I'm fine, I was just thinking. Did you ask me something?” Phil smiled and pecked his cheek.   
“I said what do you think of Levi, and how do you feel about meeting your psychiatrist?”  
“Uhh, he’s OK. Nice. I’m kinda nervous about meeting another shrink in one day but it’ll be worth it to get better.”  
Phil’s delighted eyes shone like beacons to Dan's soul.  
“You mean that Bear? You're gonna try and get better?”  
Dan smiled tiredly. He pushed open his room door and walked inside, still holding Phils hand in his, and shut the door. He turned to face Phil, gripping his waist.  
“Of course I’m gonna try. For you.”  
“Doesn't work that way, love. If you're getting better then you're getting better for you.”  
Phil looked at his boyfriend, feeling love welling up inside of him. Swiftly he closed the gap between their faces and locked Dan’s lips in his.  
_____________________________________________  
Almost 3 hours later and Dan and Phil found themselves winding their way around the shiny white hospital corridors for the second time that day. This time they were trying to find Dan’s psychiatrist, a young lady called Amilee Rose. This time, Phil was a lot more nervous, because this time there was more at stake. This time the introductions would lead straight into a proper evaluation. Everything Dan said would be recorded for possible diagnosis, and Phil had been told that his boyfriend would undergo evaluation for depression, bipolar disorder and even schizophrenia. There had been more listed at the time, but Phil had blanked when he had been trying to remember and he found it easier to sum it up as; Dan would be getting screened for a lot of mental illnesses, and this is what he had told his boyfriend.   
“Philly?”  
“Huh?”  
Phil snapped out of his thoughts to see Dan’s warm eyes on front of his.  
“We can do this, little lion. I know you’re scared for me. I’m not scared for me. So what if I’m ******* crazy?”  
“Don't use that word Bear. It's not nice. Its hurtful. And it’s putting yourself down.”  
Dan leant in and locked Phils’ lips in his. He ran his hands over the older's chest, scratching lightly and leaving his hands to rest on Phil’s heart.   
“That’s your big heart, Philly. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. You have such a big heart. You’re kind and sweet and happy. You’re everything I can't be. You're everything I'm not.”  
You can be, Bear. And you are. You're sweet and funny and cute. And I love you. I love you for you.”  
Dan smiles.   
“That and I’m sexy AF. And I have a really big-”  
Phil claps his hands over his boyfriend's mouth.   
“C’mon Bear.”  
They link hands.  
“Let's go in.”  
_____________________________________________  
The young woman seated across from them looked nothing like Phil had envisioned. She was around the same height as them, which put her at giraffe status, tall and poised. She was pale (obviously not as pale as Phil) and had straight auburn hair in a side plait. She was dressed in mainly black, with a white t-shirt and black cardigan, and some ballet flats that psychiatrists always seem to wear. Phil relaxed a tiny bit as he acknowledged her kind face, inviting and un-threatening. Hopefully this would go smoothly. He felt Dans’ apprehension, just as he had the first time, and wondered whether he should take charge of the conversation. Luckily, it was her who first broke the ice.  
“Hiya! Im Amilee. You can call me whatever though, I don't mind, you know, nicknames or whatever, but I'm rambling. What shall I call you guys? You're Dan and Phil, no?”  
Phil blinked in surprise at the rush of words, but her voice was sweet and sunny, which made him feel better.  
“I’m Phil, and this is Dan.” Phil gestured to Dan who nodded in acknowledgment.   
“Lovely! Well Levi’s already told me a lot but I’d like to hear it from your point, Dan. Then we'll launch into some questions, and some talking, and hopefully in an hour or so we should have some answers, and hopefully a diagnosis. Is that okay? If you feel overwhelmed at any point, either of you, than feel free to step out for a sec. Or breakdown in here. I have tissues. And I'm not easily shocked, trust me. These four walls and I have seen it all.”  
Dan took a deep breath and started his spiel all over again.  
Several minutes later Dan was done talking about his sadness and was being gently asked by Amilee whether they could start the questioning. He opened up his body language and looked her in the eye, signaling that he was ready.  
“Okay, I have a question that might sound a bit weird, but bear with me. Do you ever hear things, Dan? Things that aren't there?”  
Despite the gentle tone, Dan hated the shrinky-ness of the question, and closed up like a clam. He didn't want to have schizophrenia. He knew that's what she was asking for. He wasn't stupid. Schizophrenia meant voices. He snapped out of his thoughts and realised that Amilee and Phil were talking with their eyes. Phil was nodding. Was Phil saying yes? Was Phil telling her that Dan did hear things that weren't there? Did Dan hear things that weren't there? He heard voices, sure, but he could tell that they were in his head. He could. Mostly. Dan froze in the realisation that actually he did hear things that Phil didn't. He had a flashback to a year or so ago, when he had collapsed in their bathroom because he was being shouted at over and over. He thought of all the times that Phil had had to comfort him and assure him that there wasn't anyone yelling, or that no-one was at the door. He thought of all the times that he had been convinced of something that Phil had tried to help him see was delusional. He hid his head in his hands. Oh God, Dan thought.  
What if I DO have schizophrenia?  
He heard things. He thought things. He collapsed sometimes. All this time, was that schizophrenia?  
\-------  
Dan felt Phil squeeze his hand. He knew what he was trying to say. He was asking Dan whether he was okay, he was asking him whether he could keep going or if he wanted to stop, he was asking him to be brave and tell her. He was telling Dan that he knew what he was thinking about, what he was remembering, and that he was okay. He was telling Dan that he was okay. And Dan decided to be brave. Just one more time. He lifted his head, locked his eyes to his psychiatrist, and took a deep breath.  
“Yes.”  
______________________________________________________________________________________________  
An hour later and Dan had two diagnosis. Neither were completely official yet, but Amilee had warned him that he was a textbook case of the two, and he should expect them both to be confirmed tomorrow. Tomorrow was part two of Dan’s diagnosis. More evaluation, official diagnosis, and both therapy and medication plans. And Dan hated labels. But he now had two more to add to his pile.  
Schizoaffective Disorder- Bipolar Type  
And /or Major Depression NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)  
Dan nor Phil had ever heard of Schizoaffective Disorder, but as they had been told, it was a mixture of schizophrenia and a mood disorder- in Dan’s case- Bipolar Disorder. Dan had decided to completely shut down as soon as this was over- being diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia and a form of mood disorder- neither of which Dan had ever considered having- was extremely exhausting. As Dan was drifting off into his thoughts again, he realised that Phil sounded like he was crying. Hearing the slightest ounce of sadness in Phil’s voice was enough to snap him out of his daze, and looking at his boyfriend he could tell that he felt helpless. Tears were running down his cheeks and Dan instinctively reached out to dry them. Phil melted into his touch and let himself fall into Dan's chest. Dan stroked his hip, unspokenly telling him that he would be taken care of later, and asking Phil whether he was okay. Phil squeezed his hand, lifting it to his mouth and kissing it softly before straightening up. He felt Dan tense, and realised he must've been worried about showing affection in front of another human. Phil flicked his eyes to Amilee, and she smiled.  
“There’s no need to be worried guys. I’m bi, and I have a girlfriend. I understand. But, anyways it's getting late. We’d better wrap up, but I’ll see you two at 9:30 sharp tomorrow morning. Night, boys.”   
With that she smiled, led them both to the door, and within 30 seconds Dan and Phil were back in the Manchester Hospital corridors that they felt they were too often in.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________  
Phil shut the door and both boys flopped on the bed simultaneously. Phil enveloped Dan in his arms not knowing who would start crying first. Phil opened his eyes and he met Dans hazel eyes in his. Dan closed his eyes again and leant his forehead against his boyfriends’.   
“You okay, babe?” Phil kissed his boyfriend on the nose.  
“Of course I am love. It was just a bit of a shock. Are you okay Bear?  
“Pretty shocked too. But we’ll get solid answers tomorrow, and that’ll help.”  
Phil kissed all down Dan’s neck and ended up at his collarbone. He sucked lightly and went to lock the door. Dan stood and took in every inch of his boyfriend in front of him. He could feel his passion in his throat, and more obviously the excitement inside of him that was manifesting itself in his body. Phil crosses to him and pulled of his shirt and his boyfriend's, lying on top of him and feeling the warmth of Dan’s skin on his. He bit Dan’s lip and pulled back for a second as he felt Dan’s hands slipping dangerously low down his back.   
“You okay for this Bear? We’d better be quiet.”  
Dan smiled and gripped Phils lips in his, melting into his boyfriend.  
_________________________________________________  
________________________________________________________________________________________________

8:30 pm  
_____________________________________________  
Dan’s POV, about 1 am, Manchester  
“I never loved you. It was all for show. You were just an extra that my fans shipped me with. I despise you  
“I never loved you. You were just that extra that everyone loved because they “shipped” us.”. I had started doing Youtube first, and then you came along and “Oh, guess what? I have more fans than you, they like me better than you. I’m hotter than you, I’m better than you. You’re just the extra people ship me with now.” I hate you! YOU STOLE MY EVERYTHING! YOU TOOK, MY FAME, MY SUBSCRIBERS, MY LIFE. I HATE YOU! I never loved you. It was just a show, to make the fans happy. I can’t stand you. I’m leaving!”   
Phil’s harsh words echo in my ears as I sit up suddenly, jolted back into reality. I let out a husky sob, my mouth dry and tacky from sleep. It’s just a dream. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real. I repeat to myself, trying to make it stick, but that one line always comes back. I never loved you. I sob into my pillow as the tears stream down my face, tasting the salty liquid slip through my dry lips and onto my tongue.   
“Phil.” I whisper, a plea. I roll over and grab my phone of the bedside table, my hand bumping the foam covers on the corners. Wow, this is ridiculous. I unlock my phone and dial Phil. He picks up one ring later.  
“Bear? What’s wrong?” asked Phil’s concerned voice.  
“Hey, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something...” I choke out.  
“Yeah? I’m all yours.” Phil replied easily.  
“Um, like, in person…” I trail off.  
“Oh, okay. Do you want me to come now? Or wait till the morning?”  
“Could you come now?” How pathetic am I, not being able to go even a night without him.   
“Yeah, I’ll be there in 10. See you soon.” I can just see him smile that little smile of his.“Yeah, see you.” I hang up and flop back onto the bed, staring at the dark ceiling. What am I going to do? How will I-  
I hear a scream in the distance and sit up. Don’t worry about it. A nurse will come soon. I assure myself.   
But five minutes later it’s still going. I get out of bed in search of the screams.  
_____________________________________________  
Phil Lester wove through the backstreets of Manchester in his car. His fingers were gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were about to burst through the skin. It was 1:27 am and Phil was almost at the hospital. He had grabbed some stuff he had forgot to pack the day before and had locked up the house because he didn't want to leave Dan again. He had finally fallen asleep missing Dan and worrying about him. Hearing Dan’s voice had increased his worry, because he hadn't sounded like himself. He sounded scared. Scared and dazed. Phil was now parking the car and speed walking into the ward,barely remembering to pay for the park. A few minutes later and Phil had navigated his way into Dan's ward. He was trying to keep calm. Suddenly he stood completely still outside Dan’s room. He could see clearly into the room because the door was open and the light was on. And Dan was not in his bed.  
“Bear?”  
“BEAR?!”


	6. Chapter 6

Dan’s POV  
What was that screaming? It was starting to scare me. Was this just what a pshych ward was like? Why hadn’t anyone else woken up? I had been walking around for awhile when I realised that the screaming wasn’t getting louder or quieter. Is it following me? Maybe it IS me. I started to panic, fear welling up inside my heart when i began to make out voices in the screaming. Crazy. That's what they were saying. CRAZY crazy crazy crazy cRAZY CRAZY crazy CRAZY.  
I felt myself sinking to my knees in the middle of a corridor. I had no idea where I was. I didn't care. I suddenly heard the screaming even louder. Why is it so loud?   
Then I realised.  
It was me screaming now.  
_____________________________________________  
Phil sped down the corridors faster than he had ever run in his life. He looked and looked until he found a nurse, and he barely remembered to breathe before talking to her.  
“ Hi, uh, I was looking for my boyfriend and he’s not in his bed, and I don’t know where he is and-please- do you know where he is?”  
The nurse looked startled but regained her composure.  
“ Okay sweetie. Which bed was he in? Can you show me there?”   
Phil nodded and walked the nurse back to Dan's empty room. She took one look and her face lost its confidence. It was clear she had been hoping that it had been a misunderstanding, but she saw that there really was nobody in. She glanced at the clock, it read 1:33 am.   
“Dan Howell. Okay, I’ll notify the nurses immediately. He is rated as a high risk to himself so I will ask around and we will try to find him. Don’t worry, not much gets past us.”  
With that she whipped out her walkie talkie and started to buzz people. Phil tuned out of the chatter as fear started to consume him. Dan was gone.  
Please be okay Bear. Please please please.  
_____________________________________________  
Dan’s POV  
I kept screaming, screaming screaming screaming because I couldn't take it anymore. There was too much noise, too many voices. I was hurting and hurting and clapping my hands over my ears to stop the screaming.   
Crazy crazy CRAZY CRAZY bad bad you're bad you're BAD NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY.  
They were so loud now, so loud and I was banging my head against the wall. Was it the wall? Was it the floor? Was it my head hitting the wall or someone else's? Is that my blood? I think so. There is blood on my hands, blood on my head, and I start to feel it hurt. Why am I bleeding? Is it demons? Was it demons screaming? I feel myself start to scream again.  
“DEMONS ITS DEMONS AND THEY'RE HURTING ME, STOP, STOP!”  
I feel myself collapse even more onto the floor. I must’ve passed out for a second, but I’m still screaming. And then suddenly I feel someone's arms around me, someone pulling me up. I don't know this person. Is it another demon? Are they going to hurt me too?  
“ NO, GO AWAY, DON'T HURT ME I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT ME, STOP!”  
I lash out with my hands, thrashing the air but the person grips me tighter.  
“Calm down Dan, sweetheart. I’m a nurse, I’m not a demon. We're going to get you ok, don't worry.”  
Except I didn't hear her. All I heard was the demons screaming   
DEMON DEMON DEMON NURSE BAD CRAZY BAD CRAZY NURSE DEMON  
And I feel something being injected into me and i can't tell whether i am dreaming or imagining or remembering, and the voices slow a little  
CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY DEMON BLOOD NURSE BAd crazy crazy, nurse, bad, de...mon…  
_____________________________________________  
_____________________________________________  
Nurse Amy holds the now unconscious 26-year-old in her arms. She pulls out her walkie talkie and contacts the nurse with Phil.  
“It's Amy, I’ve found him. He's had an episode i think. He has an injury on his forehead that we will have to dress. Meet me in room H3. He’s unconscious, but the dose wasn't very much and he’ll be awake in an hour or so.”  
She listens for a second and sees another nurse walking towards her to help her bring Dan to a recovery room. She picks up her walkie talkie one last time.  
“Oh, and if you bring his boyfriend, warn him first. He’s bleeding, and by the sounds of things he’s just had a major episode. He lashed out at me and hit quite hard. When I found him he was terrified. This changes everything, so warn the boy. This is going to be intense.”  
_____________________________________________  
Phil almost collapsed with relief when he saw the nurses face relax. She had picked up her walkie talkie and was now nodding. She turned to Phil and mouthed; They found him.  
Phil couldn't keep the relief off of his face, but he felt his worry spike inside his heart when he saw the nurse frown. He waited until she had hung up and looked at her expectantly. She exhaled and then spoke.  
“Okay. They've found him and he is okay. They think he has had an episode, but he is currently under emergency anaesthetic, so he’s asleep. The nurse will give you full details when you talk to her, but be aware, they are taking this very seriously. Dan had a severe episode and has injured himself and a nurse. He was screaming and terrified when she found him. Just be carefull. He’s this way.”  
With that she took off walking, and Phil scurried behind her like a scared mouse, more afraid than he had ever been in his life.  
_____________________________________________  
A few minutes later Phil and the nurse had arrived outside of H3. Phil felt his stomach slip into his shoes as he pushed open the door to see his boyfriend lying unconscious on the recovery room bed. His fear was replaced by sadness as he crossed to Dan and gripped his limp hand in his.  
How could I have let this happen? Phil thought.  
How could I leave him? He needed me and I left. How could I do that? Look what's happened now.  
But Phil knew that he did have to leave Dan. He hadn't slept in days, he had forgot to lock the house and he had forgotten important things. At least he was here now. Phil studied the brown haired boys face and saw the skin on his forehead was bleeding, it looked like he had face planted from a biking accident. But Phil knew that Dan had done this to himself, whether he was aware of it or not. Phil turned to see the nurse that found Dan holding a bruised arm.  
“ Did Dan do that?” Phil asked, feeling sorry for both his boyfriend and the nurse.  
“ Yes dear, but don't worry. It wasn't his fault. He was completely out of it. He was having some sort of episode. He might have been manic or in the throngs of psychosis. He was yelling about demons, so we can assume he was having some sort of hallucination.”  
“What happened exactly?”  
The nurse that brought Phil slowly let herself out, and the nurse that found Dan began dressing his forehead.  
“ I’m not sure of the detail exactly, but I was doing my rounds of the wards and I heard someone screaming;   
No the demons they're hurting me stop stop! And so I guessed it must've been the boy they were trying to find, and I came up to him and tried to calm him down but he wouldn't. The poor thing was terrified, and he started to lash out at me, saying I was a demon, and he got my arm. That's when I had to put him under.”  
She finished fixing Dan’s forehead and turned to Phil.  
“Do you have a distinctive diagnosis for him yet?”  
Phil shook his head.  
“He came here for a suicide attempt and a mood disorder NOS, but they think it’s schizoaffective disorder. I’ve wondered about Dan having some form of schizophrenia for a long time. It makes sense.”  
The nurse cocked her head and looked at Phil quizzically.   
“How so?”  
“He’s had a couple of these type of meltdowns before. He often sees and hears things that aren't there. And he gets convinced of things that are unthinkable.”  
The nurse nodded and started busying herself, leaving Phil to drift down memory lane. He thought of the last time Dan had had an episode like this. It had been around two months ago, and they were at a small party at PJ’s house. Dan had started to let his eyes drift, and completely shut himself down. Phil had noticed him tracking things in the room that weren't there, and led Dan to the bathroom. Dan had been looking up at the ceiling and whimpering, clearly seeing things happening that Phil couldn't see. Phil had been sitting with him and stroking his hair and gently saying;  
“Bear, baby, what are you seeing? It's not real, love, it's not real. Focus on me baby, you're here, you're here in this room, here in this moment.”  
After about 2 minutes of Phil trying to console Dan, something clearly happened and Dan started to scream. Phil rocked him back and forth while Dan cried and screamed and put his hands over his ears. Phil waited for half an hour until Dan was quiet again, before taking the lull in screaming as an opportunity to return home. Phil remembered that night had been much the same, until around 2 am when Dan had lost his rigidness from fear, and had finally fallen asleep.  
_____________________________________________  
1 hour later  
Dan started to stir and rub his eyes.  
Whats going on? He thought  
Where am I? Am I alive?  
He opened his eyes and started to take in his surroundings. He found the face of his boyfriend first, the face he had been missing.  
“Phil? Whats going on? Where am I? What's the time?”  
Phil turned at the sound of his boyfriend's voice.  
“Dan! Bear! You're awake!”  
Phil rushed over to Dan, and, despite the cheesiness, kissed him hard on the mouth. Dan blinked through the kiss and he felt Phil pull away, aware that Dan was confused.  
“Uh, Bear, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but they think you had a schizophrenic episode.”  
Dans eyes widened and lost some of their sleepiness as Phil ran him through what the nurses had told him. Dan reached up to feel his head and felt the dressing as Phil told him where he was and why.  
He glanced at the clock to wrap up his talk to Dan. It read 2:47.   
“...And so now you're awake, you've been asleep for a little over an hour. And its almost 3 in the am. I love you Bear, but you really do pick the worst time to have episodes.” Phil joked, trying to lighten the mood.  
Dan smiled and Phil leaned forward and eskimo kissed him. Their fingers intertwined and Phil softly kissed Dan's hand before straightening up as the nurse bustled back into the room. She turned to the boys and spoke.  
“Good to see you are awake, Mr. Howell. You can sleep here for tonight under examination. Do you hear anything now?”  
Dan cleared his head and realised he was hearing a whispering, quiet but there. He nodded.  
“Okay sweetheart. I’ll let you boys get some sleep but I will get your psychiatrist to come in first thing tomorrow to get you on a medication and therapy plan. Goodnight boys.”


	7. Chapter 7

The nurse left the room and Dan and Phil were left with each other. Dan sat up and shook his head a little, trying to make himself more alert, but also trying to shut up the whispering. Phil noticed him staring into space and sat beside him on the bed.  
“What are you hearing, Bear?”  
Dan looked at Phil in surprise- he was jolted out of his thoughts and the whispering was distracting him.  
“Uhh.. just a whispering, pretty quiet but still here. You really can't hear it?”  
Phil smiled and tucked himself under the hospital sheets with Dan. He kissed him on the nose.  
“As long as you can cope with it ok at the moment, love. Whenever you start to feel the voices getting louder, or you start to see things that scare you, you've got to tell me Bear, no matter what. I'll make sure it turns out okay. I won't let them hurt you. The demons, or the hallucinations, or whatever you see. I will keep you safe. I promise. I love you.”  
Dan wriggled down in bed and clasped his legs around his boyfriends’. He traced circles on Phils chest with his fingers, feeling the love for him well up in his chest. Dan stared into his clear blue eyes for a second, smiled, and suddenly went straight for Phil's mouth. They started to kiss hungrily, Dan feeling Phil’s tongue roll around inside his mouth. He felt the tickle of Phil’s breath on his top lip, and his hands running through his hair. He bit down on Phil’s bottom lip and felt the older boy moan beside him. Dan started kissing and sucking up and down Phils neck and earlobe, and when he felt Phil’s hands go from his lower back to just under his belly button he locked their mouths together again. Then he felt Phil’s hands slip into his jeans, and he let the night carry him away.  
_____________________________________________  
Phil woke up to the sound of knocking on the door. He had half a second of half-asleep-ness before realising that whoever was knocking was wanting to get in, and both him and Dan were in only boxers.  
“Uh.. just a second!”  
Phil decided to leave Dan asleep as he looked like a sleeping angel, and if having your brain fight itself wasn't an exhausting-enough reason to be allowed to sleep, then Phil didn't know what was. He rocketed out of bed and found his clothes from the night before on the floor, dressed in about 4 seconds flat, and staggered to the door in a rush. When he opened it he was met with the green eyes of Dan's’ psychiatrist. He immediately regretted not pretending to be asleep, very aware of the fact that his clothes were wrinkled and he had his bed hair. He tried to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and look awake.  
“Morning Phil! Is Dan awake yet?”  
“Uh, no, but-”  
“Okay, well I hate to be the bad guy here, but I’m afraid that it's 9:30 am sharp, and I have been told to get some diagnoses under Dan’s name ASAP.”  
She smiled a smile that could have powered the world's electricity plant for the rest of time, and left Phil wondering what to do.  
“Uh sure, I’ll-”  
“I’ll be back in five, see you!”  
She disappeared just as quickly as she had appeared, and Phil shut the door. He leant on it and took a deep breath before crossing to the bed and picking up Dan’s jeans and t-shirt from the previous night. He stared at the pile of black in his fist and made a split second decision to swap shirts with Dan. He was wearing a blue shirt with a cartoon penguin riding a jetpack. He took it off and pulled it over the sleeping Dan’s head, wrestling with his arms for a second before standing back to admire his work. Dan looked a lot softer in Phil’s t-shirt, and Phil hoped it would bring him some comfort for the big day he no doubt had in front of him. He took the opportunity to wake Dan, and shook him lightly. Dans brown eyes slowly opened and he smiled when he saw his boyfriend on top of him.  
“ Morning Bear. You've got to get up.”  
Dan pulled Phil into his lips and gave him a good morning kiss before pulling back.  
“Am I wearing your t-shirt? Did you dress me Philly? You know I don't have to be asleep for you to touch my sexy-”  
Phil clapped his hands over his boyfriend's mouth, feeling the blush creeping up his cheeks.   
“It was only my shirt, you idiot. I thought you might like it for today. He fiddled with the hem of Dan’s shirt, lightly tickling the skin on his waist before leaning in to his lips once more. The kiss was short and sweet, and within five minutes of lazy cuddles and kisses, Phil had convinced Dan to get up and ready for the day.  
“The day is upon us Bear, and it's gonna be one heck of a fight.”

“I'll be with you every step of the way.”  
_____________________________________________  
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. This time both boys went to answer it, knowing who it would be. Sure enough, they were right.  
“Morning boys. Good to see you both awake. We’d better get cracking because we are already 6 and a half minutes behind schedule and if I don't have answers soon then we will all get detention.”  
She smiled, her slightly insane happiness making both boys more positive.  
“Or worse, expelled.” she took a second to appreciate her own joke before continuing. “So come this way.”

A few minutes of more winding corridors later and they had found their way back to Amilee’s office and were sitting back where they were the day before. This time she had a checklist.  
“Okay, Dan, do you ever hear things?”  
Both him and Phil nodded.  
“See things?”  
They nodded again.  
“Does Dan ever have delusions?” This time the question was directed at Phil. He nodded.  
“Does he ever get into a possible mania?”  
Dan was confused, but Phil had clearly done his homework and understood the question. He nodded.  
A half hour later and they had three diagnoses. Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia. The diagnostic team had decided that Dan better fit the criteria of the two as separate illnesses than one. And so Dan had been diagnosed with both alone, instead of one as Schizoaffective disorder. He was slightly relieved, as no one he knew had heard of Schizoaffective before, but the fact he ended up having two of, in his opinion, the most terrifying disorders he knew of did nothing to ease his nerves. And now it was official. Phil was calm outwardly but Dan could feel his emotions, especially as he had his hand on Dan’s knee and was squeezing so hard that he was getting increasingly concerned that his knee was about to explode. Amilee was filling out some more paperwork and sending the diagnosis to Dan’s GP. Eventually she wrapped up and told the boys to take a break for an hour before coming back and getting a therapy and medication plan. They walked back to their room in silence and sat on their bed. Phil wrapped his arms around the younger boy and Dan decided to let himself do what he hadn't done in a while. He started to cry.  
And once he started he couldn't stop. He let himself lean into Phil’s chest and howl. He let his head go wild with thoughts, letting his fears break down the walls he had put up, letting his self-hatred boom loud and clear, hearing the whispers turn into a roar, letting all the demons in his head run wild. He sobbed until he could no longer sob, and then he felt his thoughts start to calm a little, from a raging sea to a calm one. He started to hear his own voice in his head, encouraging him, shutting up some of the self-hatred and terror. He let himself ride out the voices that he was hearing until they were quiet again. And quite suddenly he was brought back to the present, out of his mind. He realised that he was staring at Phil’s legs and that his boyfriend was stroking his hair like he loved. Phil seemed to realise that Dan had come back from whatever world he was in and tilted his chin up so he could look at him in the eyes.  
“Bear?”  
Dan knew that Phil was asking him what he was thinking, and that he was telling him that he loved him and that they would get through this. He smiled tiredly and rested his head back into Phil’s chest.  
“Were the voices talking to you when you were crying, Love?  
Dan nodded, wondering how Phil had known.  
“I thought so. Nothing too bad or scary? What were they saying?”  
“Nothing terrible. They were just saying stuff.”  
Phil studied Dan for a second and decided he looked ok, so he gave up on probing him further. He glanced at his phone for the time.  
“Well what do you feel like doing now Bear? We have another half-hour to kill. Are you hungry? Wanna grab a snack?”  
Dan decided that his body could do with the energy so he nodded. Phil smiled and grabbed their jackets. The hospital was pretty cold and both boys were only in t-shirts, jeans and Converse. Phil grabbed Dan by the shoulders and looked into his eyes, still a little swollen.   
“I love you, Bear. The day I met you was like meeting my other half. We are the living proof of opposites attract. Like you're yang and I’m yin. Like the moon and the sun. The day I met you was like meeting the moon. You are so amazing, Bear. I don't care whether you have to be here or back at home. I don't care that my Bear, my moon, has a dark side, has shadows. I'm going to try as hard as I can to help you out of that dark side. I’m going to try as hard as I can to help free you from the dark side of the moon, my love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was pretty cheesy.. I know-but hey- what is a phanfic without cheese?


	8. Chapter 8

Dan stirred, realising he had been lying with Phil for quite a while, and he had to be somewhere. He disentangled his long limbs from Phils. Phil noticed his movement and sat up.  
“All good Bear?”  
“Yeah” Dan replied, “just checking the time”  
Dan leant across Phil and grabbed his phone. He turned it on and off again, seeing that they had only 10 minutes until they had to be back. He leant back into the bed, resting his head on Phils shoulder. He felt his boyfriends arm go around his waist, holding him tight.  
“We were going to go eat” said Phil, smirking slightly.  
“Doesn't matter. I enjoyed cuddling with you more. We can always eat afterwards.”  
Phil kissed him on the tip of his nose and stood, pulling Dan up with him. They both found their coats, shoes and phones (again) and prepared to navigate their way through the millions of hospital corridors. Phil grabbed Dans hand and clasped it tightly, letting their entwined hands fall between them and their coats almost swallow their fingers completely. Dan realised that the voices were starting to get louder, going from whispers and murmurs to almost distinguishable words. He shook his head and blinked, wishing he could cover his ears and block it out. He wondered about trying it but didn't, knowing it wouldn't work, and it would probably worry Phil into the bargain. They shut the door to the small room and made their way along the corridors, listening to their converse squeak across the floor. After several minutes of walking, half-remembered passages, asking for directions and wrong turns, somehow the boys found themselves in front of the right room. Phil checked his phone and saw that somehow they were right on time, so he held out his hand and tentatively knocked on the door, for what seemed like the millionth time in two days. The door opened and Dan and Phil were once again met with the face-meltingly bright smile of Dan's psychiatrist. She beckoned them into the room and they once again sat down. She seated herself. She was holding a clipboard which she dropped on the table in front of them.  
“The good news is that the diagnostic team have decided that you fit the criteria of bipolar more than you fit the criteria for both depression and bipolar. It would be extremely rare for you to have both at the same time, so we will assume that you have simply been in a severe depressed state longer than is usual with the disorder.”  
Dan blinked at the rush of shrink-speak and looked at Phil. He seemed to be following and he squeezed Dan's hand.  
“Now,” continued Amilee, “we have a plan.”  
She tapped the plastic clipboard and pointed to an official-looking note.  
“Since things are moving quite quickly here, and since you have never been on medication for psychosis before, we are going to start slow, with only one type of med and a low dose. We will up it over the next few weeks. We have decided to put you on chlorpromazine, or thorazine, which is an antipsychotic used to treat schizophrenia. Given last night's events, we are going to try and get you on around 50 mg to start off with, building to around 300 mg by the time you are discharged,” it was here when she paused and said “which should be in around 3 weeks minimum.”  
She broke off when she saw Dan’s face, which was a mixture of fury, disbelief and flat out panic. Phil read his expression like a book and put his arm around his boyfriend’s waist. Dan looked like he was going to hit the roof.  
“Bear…”  
Dan shook put his head in his hands for a second before whispering;  
“Three… three weeks minimum?”  
Tears started to well up in Phil’s eyes as he saw his boyfriend, shaking and broken. He felt like he had betrayed him.  
“I’m sorry Dan. It has to happen.” said Amilee. Even her ever-lasting happiness had faded a little. She saw Phil leaning into him and stood up.  
“I’ll give you two a minute” she said, walking out of the room and shutting the door behind her.  
Phil enveloped his boyfriend in a bear hug kissing the hair on his forehead. He felt Dan start to cry.  
“I’m so so sorry Bear. I had no idea.”  
Dan shook his head and mumbled;  
“It’s not your fault, Lion. It just sucks. I hate it here. I hate being the way I am. I hate being-,” and suddenly Dan started to roar and he hissed; “I HATE BEING F*CKING CRAZY!”  
Phil rocked Dan in his arms, feeling his boyfriend's anger slowly melt away. Once Dan had calmed down enough he held him into his chest, tilting his chin up so that the brown eyes and the blue ones were locked together.  
“You aren't, Bear. You are the most beautiful, down-to-earth, lovely person I know. That word hurts. It hurts everyone going through what you are and it puts you down. I hate it Bear, because you are so much more than that. You are NOT CRAZY.”  
Dan was silent. Phil sat with him for a few more minutes. Eventually he tilted Dan’s chin upward and pecked him on the lips. Twice. And then Dan finally gave a tiny, miniscule half-smile and Phil kissed him properly. They stayed kissing for another half-minute before Phil broke the kiss and put his arm around Dan. Dan did the same and there they sat, heads together arms around shoulders, and Phil's free arm on Dan’s inner thigh. Once he felt Dan regain his composure he kissed him on the tip of his nose.  
“We’d better let Amilee back in.”

Dan slowly nodded and Phil stood up and opened the door. Amilee walked back in again, her face conveying extreme focus on her clipboard. She seated herself and continued to talk like nothing had happened.  
“And as for therapy, you will see either Levi or me at every morning while you are here, for psychotherapy and CBT, and once you are discharged you will see us once a week.”  
She stopped and eyeballed them. Phil still had his arm around Dan’s waist.  
“Sound okay boys?”  
Phil nodded and Dan didn't bother replying.  
“Okay. Now. Your GP is across all the treatment and it's pretty much all systems go. You will have to go to the meds room to make sure you don't have any issues or allergies, and we should hopefully have some proper medication for you by tomorrow, or even today. Here's some directions, and I’ll see you boys tomorrow.”  
And as quickly as Amilee had arrived, she was gone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty heavy so TRIGGER WARNING.  
> Also it has been a pretty sad fic so far... but its gonna get a lot happier, I promise!  
> Dear whoever is reading this; I hope you have a great day :)

Dan and Phil were in the hospital corridors again. This time Phil was cursing at the directions and trying to figure out how to navigate, and Dan was scraping his shoes along the ground.  
“Oh, Bear, I think we are close. And also, did i tell you that the nurse wants you to choose additional therapy stuff while you're here? Like walking and art and group counselling and stuff.”  
Dan grunted in response and Phil held his hand tighter.  
“You all good babe?”  
Dan nodded mustering all of his power to turn to Phil and smile. He was preoccupied with not only worry about his treatment, but the voices were getting louder. He could also see bugs, lots and lots, all over the floor and he hated it. He stopped walking, the bugs getting too thick to avoid stepping on. He scrunched up his face in distaste when he saw them slowly start to move.  
“Bear?”

Phil had stopped walking and was looking at his boyfriend. Dan was disliking something, and when Phil looked into his eyes he could see that they were tracing the floor. Not tracing. Tracking. Tracking something that Dan could see and Phil could not. He wasn't answering him either, so Phil knew that he was in the depths of hallucination, too preoccupied in his world to notice that he was letting the monsters take over again. Phil tried to think of what to do. His mind raced over everything he had googled, and all the questions he had asked the nurses. He had to call Dan’s name and try to bring him back to earth a bit. He could do this.  
“Dan? Dan, Bear, sweetheart, it's Phil. Dan?”  
Dan didn't move for a second and then he slowly looked into Phil’s eyes for a moment before turning to face the floor again.

Dan was getting scared. The bugs were getting quicker and louder, and Dan could hear the voices start to yell. This time, words.  
Bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs BUGS evil evil DEMON BUGS EVIL evil evil EVIL  
Dan started to shake.

Phil saw that Dan wasn’t hearing him, so he took Dan's shoulders.  
Step 2-let the person know that they are hallucinating   
“Dan, what is it you're seeing? Bear, baby what do you see? I can't see it baby. It's not real. It's not real. It's just your mind. You're here Bear, here in this moment.”  
Dan whimpered, and then, somehow, managed to speak.  
“It's bugs Philly. So many. I hate them. I don't want to go this way.” his voice started to get more urgent.  
“I DON'T WANT TO GO THIS WAY.” suddenly his voice revved up to full volume and he screamed;  
“PHILLY! I DON'T WANT TO GO THIS WAAAY!”  
His voice got shrill and Phil started to panic as well, losing his composure and forgetting what you are meant to to in this situation. He followed his gut.  
“Okay Bear, do you want to go back? We can go back baby would that help? Dan?  
Dan was already starting to turn, walking away but soon he stopped. The horror on his face told Phil all he needed to know. In Dan’s mind, they were trapped. Trapped by bugs. Dan backed into Phil and suddenly started to jerk his head, hearing things. Phil took his boyfriend into his arms and rocked him, riding out the demons.  
Dans POV  
There are so many bugs. So many. Everywhere. They have trapped me, trapped us. Through the screen of terror and voices I hear Phil. He is saying something.  
“It's not real, Bear. We aren't in any danger. You're safe. It’s going to be ok.”  
Ok? What is he talking about? There are bugs everywhere! The voices are screaming too.  
BUGS BUGS BUGS COMING TO GET YOU BUGS DEMONS DEMONS EVIL BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD BAD BAD EVIL BUGS  
Somehow I forget about the bugs and start to rock, hands over my ears, back and forward and back and forward. “SHUT UP” I roar, and see Phil speak but I can't hear him, the voices are too loud and-  
“That's right Bear, talk back to them. Tell them to go away. They aren't needed here.”  
And then I snap. I hit my head and for a tiny second the voices stop, so I hit it again and again. I'm pounding my head and I feel Phil scrabbling at my hands and trying to hold me back and I throw myself into the wall-  
And that's when I black out.

Phil’s POV  
I told Dan to reply to the voices and tell them to go away, just like the nurses said I should. I don't think he hears me, he is rocking in my arms and panicking, but suddenly he breaks free. He hits his head. This is bad. Then he does it again. Then it's like something inside him has flicked and he is pounding his head and I am screaming at him to stop, Dan stop-please! But he doesn't. I grab his wrists and try to get him to stop but he doesn't. I scream for help and I almost cry, poor Dan, he looks so scared. I try and hold in his arms. He slams his head into the wall and then everything is silent.

Phil holds Dan in his lap, stroking his hair. Nurses that heard the commotion turned up and fussed around them. Then they went to get a stretcher to get Dan to another recovery room and they left Phil with him. So here they were. Phil smoothed Dan’s hair and held his hand. He kissed it softly and then kissed all of Dan’s fingertips. He hoisted him up so that he was in a sitting position and put his arms around his waist, clamping his legs around his boyfriend. And there they sat, rocking back and forward, with Phil whispering consolidation into the nape of Dan’s neck. He was calming Dan, but he took every word to heart. He sat and whispered, not only trying to calm his boyfriend- but trying to calm himself.  
_____________________________________________  
2 days later…  
Phil listened to his converse squeak across the polished hospital floors. He tightened his already-too-tight grip on his boyfriend's hand. Dan flicked his eyes into Phil’s and jutted his chin out gently. That was Dan language for “Relax. I'm ok. You okay?”. Phil smiled softly and released his grip a bit. They were walking along the same corridor that they had been walking down two days ago-to the medication room. Dan’s episode had caused a riot and he had even been put temporarily in the main part of the hospital to make sure his head hadn't suffered any serious injury. Phil thought over the previous 48 hours. They had been spent similarly to several days before, and, presumably, to come; in a world of therapists, doctors, waiting rooms and concern. A world of Dan being afraid and whispering to Phil at midnight that things were getting worse. A world of terrifying, sinister and even fantastical visions and voices. The world that Dan’s demons had created. A world of terror and pain. Phil didn't want Dan to have to live in that world.


End file.
